Leading with Love: Insights on Leadership and on Life — December 2024

December 18, 2024

It’s not often I use this column to write a “book report,” but I was recently made aware that one of our members — Connie Delaney, Dean at the University of Minnesota’s School of Nursing — wrote a book on leadership: Leading with Love.  I thought I’d just skim it (I have probably 30 books in a stack also waiting to be read).  But after the second paragraph, I was hooked:

We’ve found your husband’s car,” said the sheriff. Shyly I asked what he meant. “It’s best to come and see.”…My husband is missing. I’m 25 years old. I’m not yet finished with school. I have a four-year-old little boy. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared. I’m hurting. I’m so afraid of what I’ll find and even more afraid of what I won’t find… 

And then we see the car. It’s hanging on to the shoulder like an old drunk sleeping outside a bar… Blood was encrusted on the door handles, smeared on the dashboard and dried puddles sat in the dip of the seat. Craig’s driver’s license, identification papers, and debris were strewn about the car. It was the last chapter in a book I hadn’t written…

I was captivated.  And so, I read the whole book in just a couple of days (it’s only 128 pages by the way).  It was packed with insights — on leadership, but also on life.  For this month’s column — and in the spirit of the holidays and year-end reflection – I thought I’d share some of what I thought were Connie’s most powerful thoughts…

On navigating challenges and staying the course: Positivity grows out of deeply painful human experiences. Every time a wave crashes upon a shore, there is a respite. The water slowly flows back out to sea. Calm ensues. I [now am] aware that one’s life is a tapestry. All pieces [good and bad] matter, all the pieces create a beautiful whole.

On gratitude: [Growing up on a farm] nature was my nursery. Looking after the cows in the barn gave me a feeling of accomplishment. We worked towards preserving the farm. We wanted to learn and practice the conservation of the land, feeding the world, and being blessed with the opportunity and the stewardship this gave us. After a morning milking, we would stand sweating from our chores, and together we looked out upon heaven. We were grateful before I heard about the importance of gratitude; we celebrated life with the exuberance we saw in the sun’s rising and setting. I wasn’t taught limitations; I was encouraged to dream. Florence Nightingale said that ‘mankind must make heaven before we can go to heaven.’ I learned to look at my life as a kind of heaven and I learned that I had to make it. Heaven wasn’t going to be handed to me.

On her mother’s impact: My mother didn’t do [anything] center stage. She did it quietly. She wasn’t demonstrative. She didn’t even hug. We talk today about “leaning in.” My mother invented this.  Embracing challenge and risk in the workplace sounds so “today,” yet the women who kept families together, who fed their tribe, who worked in the background to help others shine – this was my mother and so many other women of her age. They are the pillars we stood on to get where we are. I stood on my mother’s back when I didn’t even realize she was there to support me.

On her college math professor’s impact: When I arrived for my first mathematics class, I was the only student. The professor said the course would need to be canceled due to low enrollment…I told the professor it was okay. I had already purchased the book and told him I would study it regardless. I was shocked. This open-minded, benevolent man listened to me and cared about my aspirations…he could have focused on his schedule…and walked out of the room. [But] he suggested we do an independent study. He became my mathematics advisor and helped me navigate the mathematical road toward my future. Encountering angels in one’s life is a gift.

On being an individual but also part of a connected community: I am a unique human being, as is each of us. I am grateful for every step of my life that has led to who I am today. I had parents who loved me. I was part of a large family. The rural community and farm…was a solid base from which to grow. These gifts have shaped who I am today. I am an introvert.  I am content to create and innovate alone.  I am, and I can change. I can be me and also part of the great “we.” Changing and growing is not losing oneself; it’s expanding.  It’s transforming, and I’ve learned to trust my connections, relationships, and colleagues without losing my purpose and essence. When we link to each other, a longer and stronger chain unfolds. I am, yes, and I am also part of a whole – a community, a world of interconnectedness. I continually remind myself that it’s not “them” and “me.” It’s “we.” When moving towards oneness, we expand our capacity. We not only grow tall, we also dance. We create harmony. 

She calls it “I am; we are” — a phrase that can and should resonate with any team.

On learning and change: Courage, according to the dictionary, is the ability to do something that frightens us. [During COVID] we have learned to be flexible. We have learned to work alone. We have learned to live with uncertainty. And we have learned to value the whole. Admiral Grace Hopper said “The most damaging phrase in the English language is ‘we’ve always done it this way.’” She stressed the need to constantly think forward rather than look backward. She knew that resistance to change was detrimental. This is especially applicable in times of disruption. COVID brought this to a head.

On benchmarking to gain a new perspective: A tourist appreciates the sites more than those living locally. Sometimes it takes being an outsider to see what is really available and possible.

On resilience: A recent McKinsey report says that “history shows that in times of disruption, resilience depends on adaptability and decisiveness.” [When COVID hit] we were forced to adapt and think in new ways. We did this with decisiveness that put us on a tack in a new direction. We needed to move, pull up the anchor, and sail. When I think of this forward movement, I am reminded of flow.

On life’s paradoxes: Dichotomies, polarities, and dualities exist for a reason. Oppositions create success. We cannot have light without dark, and we cannot create a whole without connecting the many parts. We have to look at and appreciate different perspectives. We learn from resistance. We grow from challenges, and we transform with interdependence.

On listening: As a child starting kindergarten, you walk into the classroom, wash your hands, put your name in the box, sit at your table, smile, and then listen. When heading into my office as dean of the School of Nursing, I walked into the building, washed my hands, announced my name, sat at my desk, smiled, and then listened. Important things are really not that different. Both learning and leading involve showing up and listening.

On finding win-win scenarios: Simon Sinek [in his book The Infinite Game] says that when we lead with a finite mindset in an infinite game, it leads to all kinds of problems, the most common of which include the decline of trust, cooperation, and innovation. Groups that adopt an infinite mindset enjoy [the opposite]: higher levels of trust, cooperation, and innovation. We are in for the long game…if we can help with the growth of a human life, then that is an infinite game. That is transformation and the turning the “I am nurse” into “we are the future.” It is not about Me; it’s about We. That is our goal.

On asking for help: I believe that asking for help is one of the greatest prescriptions for success. I had committed to a bold transformation…I couldn’t do it alone, so we called on an outside organization and it was their help that set us on our way. Change is possible and rapid change is achievable. Asking for help is humbling, and humility is a stepping stone to success. Transformation does not usually happen in comfort…it happens on the edge.

On staying centered during crisis: A friend of mine is learning to free dive. The diver must learn to hold their breath for a very long time. The key to holding one’s breath is not bravado. It’s not even practicing it over and over. They key is relaxation. By slowing down the body, relaxing the whole system, and then taking in a deep breath, one can hold it much longer. I use this when dealing with unrest, aggression, or crisis. I…remain relaxed. I maintain my head-heart connection. I remain centered and focused. Sometimes this happens instantaneously [but] it often takes days to resolve the problem.

On hiring her team: We don’t hire stars, in the usual sense. We hire people who excel in their area of expertise and possess an additional exceptional quality. We want them to shine as a We, not alone. As in every organization, we work through a diligent hiring process. By diving deep and exploring each individual’s nuances, we can discover the real person. We want to know their core, their purpose, and their essence. [In interviews] I ask three questions; When you are 150 years old, what do you most want to be known for? What do you do for fun? If you join our faculty, how would I know if you are unhappy? I don’t negotiate when hiring someone because I’m not padding my ego and not hiring to change the color of our mission. I’m engaging in order to enhance the color.

On workforce engagement: Money doesn’t buy happiness. Gratitude and social connections have a much bigger impact on happiness, and creating connections and real relationships is what our work is about.

On innovation: Organizational practices often control people by limiting their vision and impairing their consideration of the world of options between being rule-bound and running loose with few to no controls. [You] don’t become the best in class by doing what you always do, nor by copying what others are doing.  You [achieve excellence] with edgy thinking, innovation. When something doesn’t work, we change course. Nothing is a failure, because we always learn from it. It’s the beginning of our next big thing.

On transparency: Transparency is a big word and it’s especially important today. I tell colleagues and friends that I will always speak the truth, even if it hurts. Transparency is being open. It frees the path for flowing communication. It implies accountability. When we leave people with unknowns, they will fill in the blanks, and the filler is often so much worse than what’s actual. Transparency includes inviting others to speak. Transparency helps foster trust and collaboration [which] leads to better decision making and a higher standard of [performance]. Everyone is involved; everyone wins.

On courage: As leaders, we can create an atmosphere of calm. People are looking for safety. Feeling fear and going beyond it gives people confidence. By planning and accepting the problems, we help move away from upheaval, chaos, and drama and towards a smooth flow and outcome. As leaders, it takes courage to stay alert to challenges, safeguard information, and absorb uncertainty and stress as we work through challenges with our team.

On equity and inclusion: …intentions don’t matter; impact does. We have enough talk. We need to act. We need to make proactive plans that permeate all aspects of our school. We need to address the needs and relationships of our minorities. We need to ask them, not assume. We must set an example in our offices, classrooms, the school, and beyond. Rosa Parks said “To bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try.”

On vulnerability and change: Letting oneself be vulnerable is a sign of strength. Change is what makes us grow [and] vulnerability allows change. The individual and the group swim against the current that brings about change. And this doesn’t happen quickly.

On staying authentic: If we are perpetually positive, it can be toxic to an individual or an organization because it doesn’t leave space for hard stuff to come out. Toxic positivity is dysfunctional. It is an ineffective over-the-top injection of optimistic happiness imposed onto all situations. This results in denial and lacks true human validation. It can harm people who are going through difficult times. Instead of this toxicity, we can alter our communication to acknowledge pain, stress, anxiety, and of course, the positive goodness. Once we become more aware of people’s wounds, the more extraordinary gifts of a genuine relationship emerge.

On persistence: Leaders don’t quit.

From reading her book, I learned a lot about Connie — her philosophy on life, her values, her approach to leadership. I also learned she played trumpet, grew up on a farm in rural Iowa, has a sister with Downs Syndrome, contemplated death by suicide and that she nearly died of COVID. I learned — or was reminded — that every life is a tapestry, that everyone has purpose and value, and that we are all so interconnected.

I’ll close with two of her most poignant insights…

On leading with love: Now that I was working in a leadership role, I wanted to be more intentional.  I didn’t want it to just happen, I wanted to decide what would happen. I wanted to lead with conscious actions. I wanted to lead with oneness. I wanted to lead with love. Leading with love begins with knowing ourselves and courageously being genuine about who we are. Love grows within our organizations when we move beyond judgment and begin to perceive and see the people around us as human beings in transformation. Love is part of every culture; we need to look through others’ eyes to learn about what they offer. We must lead with compassion. We need to walk in the shoes of others. Leading with love is about actions. It transcends boundaries; it is interconnectedness; it is being One. Our world is hurting; love can transcend this brokenness.

On synchronicity and purpose: I believe in synchronicity. No encounter is an accident. We are each here for something we may or may not be able to articulate. When we are awakened, there is no limit, and what we perceive as problems become challenges. Difficulties become opportunities. What is your purpose as a human being? How do you lead from that core? Do I constantly put greater purpose in my vision? 

As leaders, we have privilege. The privilege of watching people grow into what they are meant to be. Transformative leadership comes from having courage, willingness to take risks, and transparency to speak openly. It’s daring to authentically call life’s great question: why are you here? 

L.R. Knost wrote: “Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is in you.”

I am; we are.

I’ve pulled out what I think are some terrific insights from Connie’s book, but if you’re interested in reading the rest, visit here.  What other insights/tips do you have on leading with love?  Participate in a discussion on this topic: visit our LinkedIn group to post a comment.

Happy Holidays and never stop improving!

Brian S. Lassiter

President, Performance Excellence Network

www.performanceexcellencenetwork.org

A Catalyst for Success Since 1987!

Photo credits conniedelaney.com, Adobe Stock